Commando Voldie
by Queen of the Scoubies
Summary: When Voldemort meets the 'love of his life' only Lucius Malfoy can save him now...


Deep within the misty trees of the forbidden forest was a sight that should never be wished upon anyone. A naked Lord Voldemort.

Okay, so you may be wondering why the hell Lord Voldemort, the darkest wizard of all time, was running around the Forbidden Forest in nothing than his birthday suit? Well it goes something like this:

"Oh dear Mouldy Voldie!" sung a very feminine voice as the almost fearless Dark Lord was cutting a piece of cheese in the bright and cheerful kitchen of his lair.

"What the fuck? How did _that_ get in here?" bellowed Voldemort as he dove clumsily under the sink and swiftly called out in a gruff voice, "He's not home!"

"I don't believe you!" called out that annoying sing-song voice as the speaker walked around Dark Lair looking for her Mouldy Voldie. "I just bet you he's in the kitchen!"

"Fuck, how did that wench know?" Voldemort muttered under his breath before once again donning the gruff voice, "I think he's in the garage servicing the Death-Mobile."

"Aww, my little Voldemort's becoming a little handy-man! How cute!" called out the dreaded voice as she headed for the back door, noticing the chuckling under the sink but not thinking much of it, "Maybe he can fix the sink when he's finished?"

"Muahahahahahahaha! Once again Lord Voldemort succeeds the odds and fools the crazy old bat lady!" Voldemort cried as soon as the back-door slammed shut.

"Voldie darling? Is that you? Why are you under the sink darling?" a woman with huge glasses and wiry hair asked as she bent down to peer into the cupboard doors which were thrown open.

"Um, no…" Voldemort replied while cautiously peering out of the cupboard, "Um, I'm his twin brother and I like the cupboard!"

"Well you're just as cute as him! I just want to wrap you up in Sellotape and squeeze you till you pop!" the crazy old bat lady crooned before reaching out and pulling Voldemort into a bone-crushing hug.

"Ugh! Can't breathe! Someone! Anyone! Please help me!" Voldemort cried as his face was squished into the saggy breasts of his captor.

Just then, with a loud pop and an unnecessary amount of smoke, boomed the voice of Lucius Malfoy, "Did someone ask for help?"

"Help? No, must have been next-door" the crazy old bat lady started but was interrupted when Voldemort blew a giant raspberry on her, "Ooo! Stop that! It tickles!"

Gasping for air and desperate to amputate his eyes; Voldemort pulled his face away from its nightmare and cried, "Yes! Me! Help! — Help me please!"

"Hmmmm" Lucius pondered loudly, "What shall I get out of helping you? How exactly will it benefit me to help you escape from this feministic crazy-old-bat-lady-with-a-certain-fondness for you?"

"I'll do anything! Please just get her off of me!" Voldemort pleaded as his captor clung even tighter to him.

"But Voldie dear, don't you want to be with me forever? To love me? To grow old with me? I thought that you always wanted to be mine!" she wailed as she pulled Voldemort closer to her as though she wanted him to be inside of her.

"I believe you were sadly mistaken lady, now please unhand the Dark Lord before I make you," Lucius spoke commandingly, while pointing his wand to her neck, "Lord Voldemort does not love you, never has loved you and never will love you, get used of the idea."

As Lucius frog-marched the lovely old lady from the premises, Voldemort collapsed on the floor weeping, "Thankyou so much Lucius, I don't know how to repay you!"

Grinning widely Lucius replied, "Oh I know how you can repay me".

"Anything, what do you want? But you do know you can't have my Dark Lordness?" Voldemort said while looking up at Lucius suspiciously.

"Oh no, I don't want that! You can keep that, I want something better," Lucius grinned if possible more, "Your payment Lord Voldemort will be to run around the Forbidden Forest naked for two days and three nights."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Voldemort yelled as Lucius finished, "You have one twisted mind! Did you set this up! Why naked?"

"Well Mouldy Voldie, you can either repay me or I'll let the love of your life back in," Lucius stated with a slight smirk at the immediate horror on Voldemort's face, "I take it you'll be running around hanging free?"

"Doesn't seem like I have much choice, do I?" Voldemort muttered more to himself than to Lucius.

"Well, let's get going then! Best to start right now! Get it over and done with if you know what I mean." Lucius grinned, and walked outside with a spring in his step, "Oh what a beautiful day, don't you agree my Lord?"

Following Lucius out of the house, Voldemort snarled and muttered before apparating to the place of his punishment, "Oh man someone's gonna die when I get back".

**Hello fanfictioners...I know its been a while since I wrote another crazy fic, but I hope you like this one! Oh and btw if you havent read Voldiegoldies gone mad and you like this one...I seriously suggest that you do cuz that fic of mine is like 50 times crazier than this one...so yea...please review and tell me what you think!**

**Mwah**

**Queen of the Scoubies**


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